Josiah's way

I knew almost from the moment he was born. In the delivery room I asked my husband, "Did our other kids cry like that?" He assured me that they did, so I let it go for the moment. Now I look back knowingly. What I heard was the angry cry of a newborn that was not at all happy with this whole "birth" thing, and who was frantically doing all he could (already) to set things right in his world again. We named our son Josiah, which means "God supports." I would cling to that meaning often in the days ahead.

When Josiah was 3 weeks old, the crying began again. My little boy, uncomfortable from what we would soon learn was acid reflux, did a lot of crying the first 9 months of his life. I had many moments I wanted to scream with him. During one of the first, when he was 5 weeks old, I chose instead to whisper a promise in his ear, "Dear little boy, whatever happens, you and I are going to get through it together, with God's help." It was my promise to keep hoping and trusting God for His provision, no matter how hard things got. It was a promise I would look back on often in the days and weeks to come.

By 3 months, Josiah's reflux had become so intolerable he weaned himself from nursing. I was crushed, tried my hardest to keep things going for him, and finally gave in after a consultation with a pediatric gastroenterologist who told me if formula worked for him, it only made sense to switch. Josiah was vomiting breast milk, so I didn't have much choice. By 4 months, this little boy was so frustrated with feeding he began to reject the bottle as well. At 5 months we had him at the Children's Hospital in Peoria for tests, which did little more than prove what we already knew, he was suffering from infant reflux. After many medicine changes, Josiah finally began to level out around 6 months and outgrew reflux almost entirely by 9 months.

At 10 months, the ear infections began, and the crying returned, along with screaming, hitting, and other frustrating behaviors. After two sets of tubes and adenoid removal by age 2, we expected Josiah's behavior would improve. For a time it did, and then the the hitting returned. He rarely followed directions without a long, drawn-out fight. By the time Josiah was 2 1/2, I was hitting a brick wall. The consequences I had tried with my other two children were not working. In desperation, I started talking to people. Friends, Bible study prayer requests, and talks with my pediatrician, all in one week. And almost everyone I talked with said the same thing. "Read Kendra Smiley's book called Aaron's Way: The Journey of a Strong-Willed Child." I had known it all along, but there it was to be acknowledged as a reality. I am the parent of a strong willed child. As one mother put it, "Welcome to the club."

Looking back, a lot of thing began to click. Almost from birth, Josiah has been trying to manipulate his world so that he could be in control, a definate mark of a strong-willed child. "Eating hurts, so I'll control my source of nourishment." "I'll hold off as long as possible before taking that bottle. And then eat and eat and eat to make up for the hunger I feel for waiting so long." (A surefire way to exacerbate reflux symptoms by the way.) "My ear hurts, so I'll use whatever means possible to get my way and get Mom to comfort me" (which she was and still is very willing to do!) "Oh, and people, I'm not in favor of how things are going around here, so I'll use my behavior to manipulate my world. And no one, especially Mom, is going to control me."

I have learned a lot from Kendra's book, a CD given to me by a friend, and transcripts from a radio program with her and her now-grown son, Aaron, on Family Life Today. I am indebted to all three people who recommended her insights to me. More on that to come!

I have to add a disclaimer of sorts. Josiah does not always cry, nor always lash out with his behavior. There are stretches of time, days, even weeks when he is feeling well, that he is a happy-go-lucky, irresistibly charming child. (It seems like his strong-willed nature is especially triggered when he does not feel well.) He is a blessing to our lives and we thank God for sending him into our family.