The past couple of weeks have been more tolerable on the home front as we have seen great gains in Josiah's behavior. It has been interesting to read books about strong-willed children (SWC's) and find out more about what is going on in their minds! As a result, Eric and I have found it helpful to phrase our directions to Josiah a little differently. Instead of "Josiah, come here and go potty," we say, "Josiah, you can walk to the bathroom to go potty, or I can carry you." We have an goal in mind we would like to see accomplished, and Josiah gets to pick how he will comply.
I've started to read Cythia Tobias' book, You Can't Make Me but I Can Be Persuaded: Strategies for Bringing Out the Best in Your Strong-Willed Child. What she says seems to reinforce the idea that a SWC often interprets a simple direction as an ultimatum. This triggers the child to fight for another way at all costs, even taking punishment to win. Cynthia is herself a SWC as well as the parent of one, so it's interesting to hear her talk about how she interprets the world around her.
In many cases, parents don't realize that what they intend as a simple directive (go to bed, sit down, stop hitting your brother) can be taken as an absolute ultimatum by the SWC. For years I have avoided patronizing a particular restaurant in our community. The reason? A neon sign in the window says, "Get in here!" My objection seems ridiculous to some of my friends, but I resent the command. What the marketing department thinks is cute, I think is insulting. Another organization specializing in family products used the motto "Go home!" Although they were trying to command attention, it created a certain amount of hostility. In several southern states numerous highway billboards advertise venues and huge red letters that simply say, "Exit now." My husband sees this as a friendly reminder of which exit he needs to take, but my strong-willed mind hears it as an imperial order: "Get off the highway now--and I mean it!" So when it's my turn to drive, I pass by the exit with those billboards. I wait until I get to a friendlier exit and work my way back however I have to.
The idea behind securing obedience from the SWC is: "tell me what you want me to do, but give me some control over how your directions will be carried out. Let me problem-solve, give me choices, but please, recognize that I am intelligent enough to come up with a workable plan to do what you are asking of me." As parents, we maintain authority while sharing control with the child. Control...now you're speaking the language of the SWC.
I'm trying to help the kids pick up on our tactics, as they are often issuing stern commands at their youngest brother, who then digs in his heels and yells "NO!" at the top of his lungs. But they have noticed what we are doing works and I sometimes hear, "Josiah, you can give me the toy or else go to time-out." Well, we have a little more work to do with them. But there are less power struggles over all, and that is a very good thing when you're living with an exuberant strong-willed 2-year-old.
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