the learning curve

Note to self next time we spend a morning out:
-take stickers
-take snack
-take imagination for anything that might keep a 2-year-old busy
-take 2 Tylenol for the headache you will develop if you forget to be prepared

This morning was our annual trip to the allergy doctor, followed by a few errands. It did not go well. It is amazing how much trouble an energetic toddler can have in a room that is only 6x8, and sparsely (i.e. not!) furnished with toys. I later carried him to the van, kicking and screaming, from our errand to deposit money in the kids' bank accounts. Apparently the list of things I had to accomplish this morning were quite different from Josiah's list. Add a hungry tummy and a bored mind, and you have a recipe for disaster. I should have known better.

When I share that I have learned a lot from Kendra Smiley's book about how to help my strong-willed child, I do not mean to say that I have arrived. There is a lot left to learn, and it keeps me on my toes with Josiah and on my knees before God.

So, just who qualifies as a strong-willed child? Dr. James Dobson writes that a strong-willed child "seems to be born with a clear idea of how he (or she) wants the world to be operated and an intolerance for those who disagree." In his book on the subject, Dobson goes on to say, "Just as surely as some children are naturally compliant....there are others who seem to be looking for a fight upon exit from the womb. Such a child comes into the world smoking a cigar and barking orders in the delivery room." Kendra adds a few other aspects to this definition. A strong-willed child is very (not enough room for all the very's) persistent and is even willing to take punishment to win. He does not like to be controlled and will strive to control anything that may threaten to control to him.

This idea that there can be a child who would be willing to take punishment to win was completely foreign to me. I had it in my mind that misbehavior+consequences=repentant child. When that was not working with Josiah, I wondered what I was doing wrong.

Yet a strong-willed child does need discipline, and discipline is effective over time. There are a few things I have had to learn:

1. A strong-willed child is waging a battle for control. This is why living with one seems like a fight. There is a constant struggle for who will be in authority.
2. As a parent, you must choose your battles wisely.
3. When you choose a battle, you must win.
4. Punishment must be administered lovingly, consistently, and without emotion (meaning the parent must maintain control of his/her emotions).
5. Parenting a strong-willed child is a marathon and the battle won't be won in a day, week, or month. It will continue for the duration of childhood. As a parent, I must keep the big picture in mind.

That last point is a good place to end for now. I can become discouraged about the morning Josiah and I had, frustrated with his behavior, and beaten down with humiliation (this all happened in public, after all!) Or, I can shake off the dust, remember what we have both learned, and keep on keeping on.

As my son's future depends on it, I must choose to persevere.