lavish love

"Rock, Mommy?" Josiah must know I cannot pass up this request from him, ever. He did not and would not rock when he was a baby, so I relish this time now. Thinking these days may soon be over, I have launched into my usual "playlist" of lullabies. When Micah and Rachel were babies, I went on autopilot when singing the same list of lullabies, I was up with them so often in the night, rocking.

Josiah snuggles down into my arms, with his blankie draped over one of my shoulders where he can rest his head against it. "Love you so much?" he asks.

I sing, "I love you so much, I love you so much, I can't even tell you how much I love you. You're special to me...I'm happy to have you as part of my life." Then the song repeats over and over "I love you, I love you, I love you."

None of my children have battled with me the way Josiah does, and yet I wonder if any have melted into my arms quite like this when I have sang to them this little song of love. It is a precious moment, my two-year-old in my arms, drinking in the love of his mother. "It doesn't matter so much what I have done today, so long as my mommy loves me." He is growing in his desire to please me, and I think it has everything to do with knowing he is secure in my love for him.

I think to the way my relationship with the Lord has felt recently...often dry, distant, like He is unknowable. It has not always been like this. Earlier in my mothering days, the to-do list was shorter and my Mary heart was more willing to sit at the feet of my Lord, drinking in His presence and words. Now, when I sit, my mind never seems to stop for the list of things I know must be accomplished with each day and my desperate inability to do it the way I would like. I feel like I am a hamster on a wheel, constantly striving to please God yet never feeling like I have arrived. But like the hamster, I don't know how to get off and stay off so I keep on spinning, spinning, spinning.

But these past few less hectic days, God has made me sit down. Put my feet up. Stop doing. I have hated it and felt useless at times. But I have heard whispers of His love. It was tucked into a letter from my BSF teaching leader, as she exulted in God's never-ending, unconditional love as we study prepare to study the book of John this year. In the book I read last week, Stepping Heavenward, Katherine finally finds peace in her quest to please God as she realizes, "He loves me! To think all of this time I have been searching and striving and failing, He has been loving me!" In 1 John 3:1 I read in my quiet time, "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" With two explanation points in a row!

Perhaps I need to come rock a bit, and lay my head on the shoulder of my heavenly Father. His arms are open, and though I feel wayward, I need only to rest in the security of His love song for me. Zephaniah 3:17 "He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Who is my God, that He should love His children like this?