learning His kindness

"But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life." Titus 3:4-7

There is something very human, completely erroneous, and ugly in me.  It's this desire I have for self-righteousness. 

When I was a little girl, I always wanted to be the one who did right, never got in trouble, the one the teachers would talk about in the teacher's lounge because I was so good.  (I have been a teacher, and can now assure anyone who wonders that they do not talk at all in the teacher's lounge about the kids who are GOOD.)

When I became a mother, I wanted nothing more than to be a good mom.  Of course!  Who aspires to be a bad one?  But I thought I had that figured out.  I'd studied kids (other people's), took child development classes in college, taught school for a few years, and had high hopes for my children.

Then I had some.  And I was not a good mother.

I love my children dearly.  But from the time they were wee infants who did not know when to stop crying once their need for nourishment was satisfied in the night, to the days of toddlerhood when they asserted their demands, to the days of elementary and even middle school years, they have tested my patience, pushed me to my limit, and even driven me over the edge some days.

And thus I found out I am not good. 

Instead, I found I am selfish, easily irritated, lazy and sloppy about too many areas of my life, short sighted about what truly matters, and that those things among others cause me to act in ways that are not always good. at. all.

"For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."  Matt. 9:13

In my early days of parenting, the gospel went from my head to my heart.  I realized more fully that Christ died for MY sins, that in Him alone would I find the resources to give my children what they needed (and the wisdom to not give them what they didn't!), and that He could help a selfish woman to joyfully pick up His cross and follow Him in a surrender of self-denial for the sake of the little ones entrusted by Him to her care.  Even though I didn't do that perfectly.

I still put on the self-righteous mask more often than I would like.  It took years of painful self-consciousness while leading in a local ministry before I realized that what really mattered at the end of the year was not my perfect execution each week, but that women would leave my group desiring Christ more fully than when they came into it.  That was something I could never do in my own power.

These days, I spend time daily (so very daily) with my children, trying to do this thing called home education.  It's been fun to blog about because there are some very sweet rewards, but I don't have many awesome ideas about how to go about it (so I am thankful for those who do and share them with me).  I constantly face my shortcomings as a mom, housewife, and teacher.  My kids do not speak 5 languages, sit angelically while receiving the lessons I am imparting to them, or stay as organized as I would like (I realize I am not alone here.)  I struggle to get meals on the table they can eat, and do not always have the best attitude about our limitations.  The Lord has used this time at home to strip away all my props and show me once again that my only righteousness is that of the Savior who clothes me in His, that my resources for this journey are in Him, that the outcome lies in His hands, and that He is more than enough.

His kindness becomes more evident with every passing day.