beyond rewards and punishments: the Heart of discipline

"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son...God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness." Hebrews 12:5-6, 10

 



Long, long ago, in another galaxy far, far away, before I had kids, I was trained to be a special education teacher.

I remember my college days with fondness.  The further along I went in my field, the more interesting this line of study became.  The classes on child development were insightful, information about learning disabilities and behavior disorders drew me in deeper, and the professors were skilled as they imparted their expertise to me.  What intrigued me the most, as my knees shook at the thought of being responsible for a classroom full of behaviorally challenged children, were the classes on behavior management.  Terms like variable reinforcement, rewards, and timeout became part of the toolbox I could carry with me into a career to help children with special challenges and help me to maintain some semblance of order in my classroom.  For 3 1/2 years I used these strategies while loving on students, working through tremendous behavior challenges, and helping little ones learn.  Granted, I had children in my classroom who most certainly had read every book on behavior management already and were working to rewrite them, but I was a teacher and could leave these things behind at the end of each day.

Then I became a parent.

My early parenting days were what I expected, filled with normal things like playing, trips to the park, snuggles, and enjoying library books together.  When behavior became an issue, I continued to pull my trusty behavior management tools out of the toolbox.  While not a perfect system, I often was able to elicit the response for which I hoped-- an obedient child.

As we added to our family, behavior challenges crept in that I wasn't expecting.  When Rachel was my sweet little toddler, she began to make it quite plain that there were certain situations, (especially those involving loud noises) of which she was highly intolerant.  I remember reaching into my trusty bag, promising rewards if she would just go into the echoing, noisy room for Vacation Bible School, or the sanctuary where we needed to attend a funeral service.  In addition to the uncomfortable sounds, she protested loudly to things like cutting her fingernails, brushing her hair or especially putting it up in any kind of pony tail, and wearing certain clothes.  My tools failed me.  No promises of good or threats of punishment were going to convince her to comply to my simple request to obey. 

When our youngest child arrived on the scene, things became intense.  Whether it was the texture of foods, loud noises, food sensitivities, or once again the cutting of fingernails, or even simple duties I would ask him to perform, his protests were long and easily heard within a one block radius of our house.  He would often lash at out those around him, was impulsive and had an overabundance of energy, and was extremely non-compliant.  By age three I was barely able to manage his behavior, even with strong and consistent reliance on behavior management techniques.  He could barely control himself for any length of time, often expressed anxiety, spun around, plugged his ears and shouted, and seemed uncomfortable in his own skin. 

What I did not fully understand at the time was that my youngest children both have forms of Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), a term that I do not even remember from my college days.  Rachel was first diagnosed with a mild form as a preschooler, and we have recently come to understand that while her symptoms are subtle to the untrained eye, they are still very much there and do still affect her.  It is only recently that I really began to look at Josiah more closely through the lens of sensory issues (although due to Rachel's experience I have long suspected he had them), and began to see how pervasive they are to every day functioning...and behavior.

But what strikes me most is what I am discovering in my research on SPD.  The website Sensory Smart Parent states, "When a child's behavior is due to sensory processing issues, punishment and reward do not work as motivators."

I had to read that again.  And then slowly, reluctantly, I eased up my grip on my toolbox.

But what does work with children who have SPD?  For starters, they are helped most when taught coping skills.  When you take time to separate their emotional and physical needs from their behavior, and teach them to process what is going on in their bodies, they begin to develop their own tools for managing behavior.  How does this happen?  You have to enter into their world, talk to them about what they are experiencing, and help them find ways to manage. 

As a Christian parent, I am taking this lesson to heart.  For too long I have relied on a system of punishment and reward to shape my children's behavior.  That is not to say these things do not have their place.  In the Bible, God Himself disciplines His children with promises of blessing for obedience and the threat of curses for disobedience, especially throughout the Old Testament but also in the New.  However, through the gospel He shows us what is behind His discipline: a desire to reach our hearts.  He entered our world through the person of His Son and adopted us into His family. He disciples us, walks beside us through challenges, and equips us to overcome sin in the power of His Holy Spirit, which is the Person of God Himself, come to dwell within believers.

Slowly, God is showing me that parenting isn't simply behavior management.  It is about discipling my children, tending to heart issues, showing how the gospel speaks to daily living, including the challenges of sensory issues.*  Together we have seen God give my children courage to face anxiety-provoking situations in answer to prayer, although that is admittedly not always how He chooses to work. He's also given guidance in helping us to come up with plans that help my children to manage their own unique needs so they can self-regulate their behavior, and He continues to walk with us daily on a journey we weren't expecting to take.  The supernatural patience, the new understanding and consideration of other's needs, the forgiveness extended when we do sin against each other, the relationships we are building with God and each other through difficulties are far more valuable than making sure I have a specific behavior outcome. 

Slowly, according to His plan for us, I trust we are being made holy.  As we go through hard things trusting our kind Father is using them for our good, our lives are conforming to His standards.  We are learning the joy of being His children, and experiencing the relational love He expresses to us through His perfect discipline.  He's reaching our hearts.

*The sensations of SPD itself are not issues of the heart, (much like a child's irrational fear over getting a shot is not pure defiance), but they certainly do give us opportunities to address heart issues.